When Nervous System Regulation Becomes Emotional Suppression
On the misuse of nervous system regulation, Step Zero, and why calm isn't the same as healed.
Opening scene:
The bag breaks, oranges and apples roll out onto the road racing one another to the curb, a carton of milk plops on the ground, a loaf of bread uses it as a hard landing. Thankfully the box of eggs teeter on the edge of the bag’s abyss without following the others into it. She inhales. Slowly. Four counts in, hold, six counts out. Her shoulders drop. Her jaw unclenches. She looks at her groceries and feels calmer as she picks them up putting them into the same bag, awkwardly holding the hole closed with one hand. She carries the bag that carries her groceries. Another part of the bag breaks, and this time the eggs take one for the team cracking on the pavement spilling their yellow guts. She inhales. Four counts in, hold, six counts out.
The brave new world of nervous system regulation
Everyone is talking about nervous system regulation now, and I am here for it.
But, the overall message seems to be: learn to regulate and get back to being cool, calm, and collected, so that when you get triggered or overwhelmed you have some very useful tools to get you back in business within minutes.
And, yes, OMG, yes, those tools are crucial to have because when life kicks you in the shins or someone or something triggers you, you need to be able to stop yourself from spiralling and reset yourself in the moment if in that moment you can’t actually take the next step that most people aren’t willing to take, which we’ll come to.
Nervous system regulation isn’t about being cool, calm and collected all the time.
It's about having enough emotional capacity to handle the shin-kicking from life and the triggers from people or situations without spiralling into survival mode, so that you can shift into a state you prefer. A state that you can actually re-open your perception filters and see opportunities again, because survival mode narrows your filters to only scan for threats - so guess what you find more of!
(I have spiralled more times than I can count, so I am speaking from experience)
Why nervous system regulation is Step Zero
You need to be able to regulate your nervous system because despite what the self-improvement industrial complex would have you believe habit-stacking and productivity tools just don’t work for people with dysregulated systems that are in survival mode.
So yes, you have to regulate first.
Before doing any of the work whether it’s personal development, business growth, or manifestation. When you are in survival mode you are literally only open to surviving. And the doors are firmly closed on that new habit you want to build, the extra money you want to make or the dream life you are trying to “manifest”.
(I’ve put inverted commas around manifest, because we are manifesting all the time, and you don’t need to learn how to do something you already do naturally, you just have to stop standing in your own way!)
When nervous system regulation becomes another emotional management tool
But when you treat nervous system regulation as the solution, and don’t take it a step further then you have successfully found another way to suppress your emotions.
And all managing your emotions does is add another pebble to your pocket of rocks, and when you’re already carrying a boulder you don’t want to think about, your load just gets heavier, you get more tired, tired becomes exhausted, sleep and rest don’t help, and you are on the fast-track to burnout.
And collectively we've normalised chronic stress, calling hyper-vigilance 'excellence,' over-delivery 'drive,' and emotional suppression 'professionalism' - so burnout just feels like another day in the life of a successful modern human.
We have domesticated survival mode.
(Sucking it up seems to be very “this season”)
I wrote about that here:
Nervous system regulation isn’t what you think it is
Most people think Butterfly Taps, the Psychological Sigh, or the 54321 Method are the answer. And yes they are brilliant as tools to stop you spiralling into a panic or anxiety attack, but that’s only part of it.
That’s the taming part.
What you really need is the training part!
After you’ve reconnected with your body you know how to interrupt survival mode when it punches you in the gut. You’re using the pattern interrupt tools I mentioned earlier (along with some of my other faves such as Bouncy Wet Dog and Hot Cocoa Breathing). Now you need to be able to release stuck stress energy, and install safety as a felt experience, not to mention doing it gently (that part is key) so you can increase your ability to feel, hold, and move your emotions.
Taming is management.
Training is rewiring.
That’s what recalibrates your nervous system.
And, yes, you can do all this yourself, but oh my goodness the power of co-regulating with another person is not to be underestimated.
The superpower of co-regulation
And in all of that, if you do this work with a trained practitioner a deeply healing process happens that don’t happen when you do the work solo:
Co-regulation with another person.
For me this happened with my coach, and it made the deeper work we were doing incredibly powerful.
It also happened for me unexpectedly with two non-coaches, a dear friend, and someone who became a dear friend. Just by being in their regulated presence, their non-judgement and full acceptance of me created such a valuable sense of safety and groundedness that opened me up.
As a result of co-regulation I was able to use my own Parts Integration and identity shifting techniques on myself!
Because other people helped me feel safe to feel safe.
When not being safe (AKA being in survival mode) is “normal”, feeling safe will feel unsafe to begin with.
Building your foundations on solid ground is how you stop suffering and get your energy back to bring your vision to life.
What happens after Step Zero and a recalibrated nervous system
Remember that next step I mentioned earlier? This is it.
The foundations are built, you have the pattern interrupt tools, you’ve anchored inner safety, you’ve built your capacity to hold more.
Sounds great, right? And it is.
But for the foundations to hold, the ground needs to be solid.
And the only way to get solid ground is to get to the root cause of the dysregulation, and heal it.
(I’m a huge fan of Parts Integration combined with Neural Energetic Encoding for this because it’s worked for me personally and for my clients)
And getting to the root cause and healing it does not mean talking about your trauma over and over again, because all that talking and intellectualising your pain is only hard-wiring it in.
(I do believe a trauma story needs a witness to hear it, I just don’t believe it’s helpful to be married to the story)
You can get to the root cause and heal it by talking about how it feels now in the present, what story you are making about it now in the present, and then we can invite the resistance for tea, and get conflicted parts at the same table sharing a packet of biscuits, and they get to discover they want the same things but just go about it in different ways.
And you get to integrate the part of you that you thought was your saboteur but was a protector all along.
So the goal isn't to stop regulating your nervous system. The goal is to stop mistaking regulation for resolution, and having the courage to take the next step.
Closing scene:
She sits at the kitchen table having tea. The bruised apples and oranges, the dented carton of milk, and the slightly confused loaf of bread are arranged like evidence. The eggs are in a bin on the high street, probably telling their side of the story. Opposite her is the torn shopping bag, its own mug of tea steaming between its handles. She looks at it for a long moment and, after a sigh, asks, “Were you sabotaging me?” The bag replies, “I was trying to protect you.” “From what?” “From carrying more than you could hold... I didn’t know how else to show you.” They look at each other for a moment, then sip their tea in unison.
Polly 🤍
🪩 People who recognise themselves in this tend to be exactly who I work with. The next step is finding out which subconscious pattern is draining your energy. 📞 Book a free 15-minute Pattern Audit Call
| Subconscious Rewiring Coach | Hypnosis, EFT & NLP Practitioner | Creator of Neuro-Emotional Wisdom™ |
I really needed to see and hear this today! Thank you so much for sharing this knowledge amd wisdom with me because right now in my current life I really need regulation
'We have domesticated survival mode.' The renaming of it as excellence, drive, professionalism is exactly what makes it so difficult to recognise and put down.